Invisible

Funny thing about being overweight.  It renders a person completely and utterly invisible.  It's like you're not even there.  No one can see you, because you don't matter.  Over the years, people have called me names, mooed and oinked at me while I was out for a walk.  But, honestly, I think the feeling that I don't matter is more hurtful.  That somehow I have less value than someone who's thin.  The people who say rude things to me, they're just assholes.  The world is full of them, and I can deal with it.  But even intelligent, kind and otherwise well meaning people treat me as if I'm somehow less than worthy of their attention.  These are the people that I see every day.  My friends, neighbors and coworkers.  When they treat me badly it hurts.  Way more than a random loser asshole.

I have historically chosen really crappy people to befriend.  Low self esteem, I'm guessing.  I'll make plans with a friend to do something at, say, 7:00.  Seven o'clock comes, and goes, and I'm still waiting.  I wait and wait.  When I finally call, I find out s/he has forgotten all about me.   I have been forgotten, and the offender is completely unapologetic.  Makes no attempt to atone for the slight, no attempt to make me feel better.  To them, it is a nonissue.  I am a nonissue.  Something better came up and they didn't hesitate.  Just left me at home, sitting and waiting. 

The other day, the guys were playing Words With Friends on their phones.  I never had, because I don't have any friends.  Well, apparently everyone at work plays, so I downloaded it on my phone.  I deleted it a few days later because no one played with me.  I asked my friend, from work, if she ever played.  She said she deleted it because she didn't like it.  Two days ago, two of the guys were playing Words With Friends.  I asked them who they were playing.  They were both playing the same friend who said she deleted it because she didn't like it.  It hurt my feelings.  The guys told me to download it again and they'd play with me.  So I did.  Today I deleted it for the second time.  I'm not going to beg. 

It's difficult to articulate why Words With Friends can bother me so much.  It bothers me more than being oinked at.  I just can't believe that no one thinks of me.  No one thinks that I'd like to play games, too.  No one thinks of me, period. 

This country is so messed up.  Our values are so messed up.  I am smart.  I am kind.  I'm thoughtful, caring, funny.  All of those things.  I have a huge list of pros on my side, but one very big con.  In this country, I am looked down upon just because I'm not thin.  Even with all of the pros, I have very little value.  I know people will say "Oh, that's not true.  It doesn't matter what size you are.  You're a beautiful person!"  And the ever popular, "It's what's on the inside that counts."  Horse shit.  A person's size shouldn't matter.  At all.  But it does.  Even more than the positives. 

Would it be better if I were a thin asshole?  I think it would.  I could be an absolute flaming asshole, but as long as I'm not fat, it's okay.  I see it on a daily basis.  We have put our emphasis, our values, in the wrong place.  It doesn't matter if a woman is a horrible person.  Just don't be fat.  Overweight people are seen as stupid and lazy, regardless of the cause.  Not everyone is overweight because they eat too much or have no self control. 

I'm the most kind hearted, thoughtful person I know.  Anyone would be lucky to have me.  But if I stay heavy, am I destined to remain alone?  Just because of that one thing?  Am I going to be forgotten and overlooked forever?  If you were to ask my coworkers what they thought of me, I'm sure you'd hear glowing reviews.  I'm sure they'd tell you how funny I am, how sweet and thoughtful.  A hard worker, good at my job.  Easy to get along with.  So why am I not included?  Why am I always on the outside looking in?  I'm jealous of my work friend, but not a romantic kind of jealousy.  I have no romantic feelings for anyone I work with. I'd just like to be included in whatever everyone else is doing.  I just want to be remembered.  I want someone to hear something funny and tell me about it just because they thought I'd like it.  I want someone to see a cute picture of a cat and bring it to me because they know I like cats.  I want to play Words With Friends like everyone else.  I want to be asked to go to a Cardinal game, just because they know I like baseball and they thought I'd like to go, too. 

I know this doesn't make me seem like that great of a person, but every time I'm cast aside and overlooked, it hurts.  And I hate them.  I hate them all.  I do.  Every time I see them on their phones, playing games with each other, every time I sit at home waiting for someone to pick me up, I hate them.  They're not bad people, really.  Just products of their environment.  I'm not a bad person, either, but I hate them all the same.  And they have no idea. 


So what am I to do?  What if I'm unable to lose weight?  Accept it, I guess.  That's about all there is to do.  I can't change the world.  Am I always going to be on the outside looking in?  I have no friends, but I'd rather be alone than with people who are disrespectful.  That, I will not tolerate.  So, I will continue to hang out with my cats.  They like me.