Brenda

I don't actually know Brenda. She doesn't know me.  She's a friend of a friend of a Facebook friend.  We've never laid eyes on each other, that I'm aware of, so it's odd that I'm insanely jealous of someone I've never met.  Odder still, Brenda is not that attractive.  She has a minimum wage job and she's (please believe me when I say this is not a criticism) dumb as an ox.   But she's HAPPY.  She's really, honestly happy.  With herself, her life, her job, everything.  Every weekend, Brenda has plans.  She visits church friends, school friend, neighbors.  She frequents local fairs and festivals.  Her calendar is full.

I'm not happy.  I'm not well suited for my job, my location.  I don't fit in here.  I have no friends and really nothing to do.  There is a huge world out there and I want to see it.  I desperately want to move on to bigger and better things, but I can't seem to get going. 

Brenda seems perfectly content with her lot in life.  She is a simple woman with simple needs.  Her world is very small, and that suits her just fine.  I would give anything to be content.  I either need to elevate myself to the standard I have set or calm down, quit my bitching, and learn to be happy here.  Trouble is, I can't seem to do either. 

On paper, I have it all over Brenda.  Education, a good job, nice home, nice car.  Where it actually matters, Brenda has it all over me.  My goal in life, my only actual goal, is to be happy.  Wherever that may be.  Whatever career that may be.  With whomever that may be.  I just want to be happy. It shouldn't be so hard.  If I can't be happy here, then why can't I just go somewhere else?  If I can't go somewhere else, why can't I be happy here?  It shouldn't be this difficult. 

Every Monday I read about Brenda's awesome weekend.  Who she saw and what she did.  She always says she had the BEST weekend.  And I'm sure she did.  My weekends are not awesome.  I live alone and too much time is the kiss of death.  I have too much time to think.  And when I start to think about myself, about how much I am NOT where I want to be, the bad thoughts creep in.  No es bueno.  I'll get my shit together someday and, in the mean time, I will resist the urge to throat punch Brenda should I ever happen to run into her.

 I have never actually said this:(