Mother's Day

For Mother's Day, Mom and I loaded Grandma up in the wheelchair and pushed her to Grandma's Kitchen, her favorite pre-nursing home restaurant.  It's the hang out in town for the over-70 crowd.  Happenin' place, let me tell you.  She did really well and seemed to enjoy herself.  Mom was a little disappointed that none of Grandma's old friends were there.  She's been in the nursing home going on a year now and when you're in your nineties you lose a lot of peeps in that time.

All was well until we left.  Poor, poor Grandma has this dumping syndrome thingie.  She has to poop right after she eats.  And I mean right....after.  We leave the restaurant and immediately she starts in complaining that she has to go to the bathroom.  Mom and I are pushing like hell trying to get back to the nursing home.  "I have to go to the bathroom."  Me--"I know.  I'm hurrying."  Grandma--"Well you're not hurrying fast enough!"  Every business, every house we pass she wonders if she could use their bathroom.  NO.  Mom tried to distract her with "Are you still comfortable in the wheelchair?  I worried it would hurt your legs a little."  Grandma--"Well, it's stopping  up my butt."  And then Mom--"Are you full?  Did you get enough to eat?"  Grandma--"I'll be a lot less full when you stop this wheelchair."  And on and on until we get back to the nursing home.

She was correct.  The wheelchair was stopping up her butt.  The second we lifted her up....you can imagine.  I won't go into detail, but when we left showers were taken and clothes, including shoes, were thrown in the washer.  Mom just threw away the washrags she used to clean her up.  No amount of bleach was going to get those sumbitches clean. 

We are not a gift giving family.  We exchange gifts at Christmas, but that's pretty much it.  We believe that a person can't be an absolute turd 364 days a year and think buying a present will atone for it.  We try to show our love year round by actions, say, wiping poop off a bathroom floor.  Anywho, I got tired of the looks when someone asked what I was getting Mom for Mother's Day and I'd reply "big, fat nothing".  I felt guilty so, instead of a present or flowers, I bought season two of Broadchurch on Amazon.  It's the best show I've ever seen.  Mom says so, too.  So I bought that and we watched the first episode last night.  It was so good.  Luckily, we had a bad storm last night that knocked out the power or I probably would have watched ahead. 

Fat and Frank were excited.  They each had a lap to themselves.